


Uncertified

by talefeathers



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Drabble, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-28 14:47:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14451552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talefeathers/pseuds/talefeathers
Summary: Magnus takes a hit. Taako reminds Merle what his entire role in the party is supposed to be.





	Uncertified

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: "I have no idea how to do CPR," Merle with anyone

There was a beat of silence after Magnus hit the ground. Then Merle shook himself and rushed over to where the burly fighter lay.

“What the hell was that?” he shouted to Taako, his hands hovering uncertainly over Magnus’s limp form.

“It – it – it –” Taako stammered beside him, filling the silence while his brain processed the arcana. “It’s a – a – a spell. A curse. It stopped his heart.”

Merle’s own heart sank.

“I have no idea how to do CPR,” he blurted.

He looked up at Taako to see that he had closed his eyes. The elf took a deep breath, and then absolutely short-circuited.

“You. Are. A. _Cleric._ ” Taako said, enunciating each syllable. “That’s not something you just, like, tell people, right? Like, you do genuinely have spells and a connection with the divine that would allow you to heal ailments and maladies, correct?”

“Alright, alright, I get it –” Merle grumbled, but Taako was on a roll now.

“Really?” His voice had jumped up a whole octave. “Because you could have fooled me, my dude! ‘I don’t know how to do CPR’? You have to learn CPR to work at a _summer camp._ Did you skip day one of _cleric kindergarten?_ ”

“Will you just pipe down so I can –?”

“SO YOU CAN PERFORM _LAST RITES_ USING YOUR PLASTIC HOLY SYMBOL?”

“SO I CAN CAST _REMOVE CURSE,_ ” Merle shouted back, placing one hand on Magnus’s shoulder and using the other to shove his holy symbol into Taako’s face. “USING THE _EXTREME TEEN BIBLE._ ”

Magnus gasped in a breath, his eyes flying open.

“God damn, that sucked,” he sighed, lifting one hand to massage the left side of his chest.

“You okay, pal?” Merle asked.

“If not, it’s because you’re the first person Merle has ever healed in his entire life,” Taako chimed, “so don’t expect any help with those side effects.”

“I feel fine,” Magnus chuckled, sitting up and clapping Merle on the back with a smile. “Thanks, Merle.”

Merle smiled back and flipped the bird in Taako’s direction without even looking.


End file.
